Why does the humble car stir up so many arguments?

If you are anything like me, which I wouldn’t brag about if you are, then you may well be feeling a bit confused over the various parking rows that are rumbling on at present.

Sudbury and Hadleigh are battling the possible introduction of charges for short-stay parking, Clare has played host to a bitter dispute over a reduction in free parking on Market Hill and now Great Cornard Parish Council is trying to stop people parking in spaces reserved for cemetery visitors.

It seems that everywhere you turn, vehicles and transport are causing ill-feeling and arguments that are not easily resolved, whether by Babergh or parish councils.

Being an awkward little toerag, I would like to shove another problem into this ugly melee. Waddling up and down Girling Street in Sudbury as I do most days, I have noticed a number of lorries hurtling down the road at breakneck speed, particularly before 9am.

Travelling that quickly, they don’t look the safest modes of transport on the planet and cannot be easy to stop in an emergency.

Motorcycles and cars are also guilty of this, but the lorries are especially concerning due to their size. Is a speed camera or some other traffic calming measure required?

Staying with the theme of transport, I cannot be the only person who finds the deer that sprint across the area’s roads late at night more than a little disconcerting.

A couple of weeks ago, a small deer decided that running under a car travelling at 60mph would be a bit of a giggle, and promptly hurled itself across my path.

Luckily, it only clipped the passenger side and, following a fruitless hunt for gory roadkill, it appeared that no damage had been done.

These unpredictable animals present a very real danger to motorists, and I wonder whether better fencing along certain routes may help reduce this.

All these problems are almost enough to make you pack in driving altogether.

My car, which is about as reliable as a deer’s traffic awareness, has given up the ghost and is refusing to move from its parking spot. In light of these developments, I am not exactly devastated.

Finally, men across the country have taken it upon themselves to grow some downright disgusting top lip upholstery this month, in aid of Movember, which supports The Prostate Cancer Charity.

While I fully support the fundraising and awareness that this generates for a truly worthy cause, I cannot possibly condone some of the hirsute horror shows and wispy war-crimes that make an appearance on the faces of more respectable men than me.

Faces that now bear more than a passing resemblance to David Seaman, Hulk Hogan or, in some cases, a walrus.

Ps. My stance has almost nothing to do with a complete inability to grow a moustache.