Uncut: when car parks attack

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On Friday, as I made my way into Waitrose to claim my free cup of coffee (of all my morning rituals, this is definitely my favourite), my eardrums were greeted by the agonising sound of contorting metal.

Half-expecting to turn around and see that the Winter Soldier (Captain America’s latest nemesis) was arm-wrestling a tractor, I was startled at the scene that lay before me (a tad disappointingly, there wasn’t a single Marvel comic book character in sight).

A motorist had, rather inexplicably, driven straight into a sign as they attempted to navigate their way around the car park (treacherous little buggers, aren’t they?), crumpling the car’s bumper on the high-fronted kerb and doing considerable damage to the car’s body work in the process.

The driver in question (I will omit their age and sex for fear of implying any sweeping generalisations) looked particularly sheepish as they got out of their vehicle to inspect the mangled metal that had previously passed for the front of their car.

Having perfected my best stand-and-gawp pose (Dunk’s top-tip: stand with your hands on your hips, slightly open-mouthed and shaking your head from side-to-side while mumbling something about “drivers these days”), I resisted the urge to bellow “good luck explaining that one to your other half” and resumed my coffee countdown, reporting the accident to a member of staff on my way into the store.

As I did so, I recalled the other time I witnessed a car park claim an unsuspecting victim (they may look placid and non-threatening but, going by what I’ve seen, they can turn on you in an instant).

On this occasion, the car park in question was virtually deserted (maybe this is how they lure drivers in – by playing dead), with barely a handful of vehicles filling the hundred-or-so spaces available.

Despite the startling array of choice on offer, the motorist decided to ignore the dozens of spaces that would have required the simplest of parking manoeuvres and, instead, challenge themselves by reversing into one of the few spots sporting a concrete bollard at its rear.

The result was, once again, a cataclysmic catastrophe, proving that car parks are like a sleeping beast and should not be underestimated.

One possible theory for the cause of Friday’s accident was that the driver in question was temporarily blinded shortly after entering the car park.

Blinded by my beauty, perhaps? Or by the large shiny implement now adorning my wedding finger (did I mention I was getting married?). It’s really too close to call, either could have been to blame.

That’s right folks, I am now a happily married man. Four weeks ago, I had the huge privilege of marrying the woman of my dreams (not even the Black Widow, another Marvel character, can match my girl).

My wife, Kate, looked simply stunning, as did all our bridesmaids, especially my step-daughter Tayla, and even the sun came out.

It was a truly memorable day and, after months of planning and organising, surpassed all our hopes and expectations.